The truth..

Since many years of my life, I am always be the problem in this house. Is it because I'm a troublemaker? No.

They did me nasty.

At this moment I really want to tell whole of my readers how I feel, after years of become a victim of my family. Not my uncles/auties but brothers and my mom.

I know my mom is a good person but also she has good way of betraying her only daughter. You can call me a bad daughter for this truth and anything I write. Sometimes I just need writing down my feelings after that I will absolutely feel better. Coz during this time of I am working on my blog. I hate my brothers and my mom, let's just say I just hate the way they treat me.

Yes I graduated from best university and all people wish me for having a good job at the office at least but years of trying. And 2 jobs I had. My mom never satisfied. She always telling to whole family that I am not working yet and in front of my face. It's hurting me a lot. Never try to decline what she said because she has very old school mind which think working in non office = no job.  But she always tell everyone I have no job. But what about my nail studios and makeup freelance job?? 

She never care. And I am so hurted by brothers too. In my life where I see every daughter will treated nicely and of course new stuffs to wear or use.

I definitely treated so bad during my university starts.. 

Let's say that time I started how to become away from family and I feel that is awesome when I had my life more free and nothing can make me feel bad.

New clothes for university? No. I EVEN ASKED FOR NEW CLOTHES TO MY MARRIED COUSIN. She had many clothes I wear to my uni. That time my mom always telling me she has no money and that happened all the time I asked new clothes because I say I need pair new one to at least match my university's students at my uni.

I been bullied for clothes I wore,but I didn't care because my uni has typical of covered clothes where I was a girl who has short skirts but it is still ok because under the knees. I believe everytime someone tries to not care of what another one say, she/he will get mentally abused. The difference just can or can't you pass this.

Well for 2 years of my university life I am okay with my old university clothes. Then my dad took me to buy new clothes on my birthday. Also he bought me new phone that time. That was the first time I had 2 or 3 new clothes and jeans.

During the time of my mother she say she doesn't have a money,she secretly saved the money for my brother. He wanted to be someone who needs to pay a lot for the career. Can't tell what is this job. But this one is the one who paid more than 400 millions rupiah to finish it. But ended up with he gave up and went to the rich and borjuis university.

During his time of starting university,he was only need zoom meeting and still paid very much. 3x of my uni payments.

But one time I saw that my mom gave money for him to buy new clothes. And of course I feel hurted. I was begging clothes to my cousin but later on.. I saw he has chance to buy new clothes. And my mom say it's his own money. Oh.. what a liar! He just a mama boy,which the mother treat him as a king and I hurted a lot for what my mom did for years of my life.

Not stop by that,

When I was in uni.. I tried my best to never asking anything that charge her a lot. Yes I went to university with Art and Design faculty.

Art stuffs are expensive and I well known as someone who borrowing friend's stuffs. Such a shame but that is my way to suffering things around. I wasn't able to buy stuffs. 

You might think I had my first laptop when i started my uni. Haha..  you wish. I had it new because my old laptop broken already and it was belong to my brother. I have 2 brothers anyway. Let's call him A and B for the latest brother.

I never had something new other than begging from part of family I have. I always keep calm for that but FUCEK.. FUCEK AND FUCEK..

A and B always got new one. And since I see how my parents treat me and them.. they're spoiled boy. And because I understand I will never treated as them. And this treatment making me love to thrift the clothes because I only can buy the cheap clothes by money I own. Because I am the only one who spent money a lot of repairing and adding needed stuffs to this household . 

I can't tell more of what happened in my life, sometimes I must keep it as secret. And if you guys think I am okay. I think I am okay but my environment is not.

If you say be a good girl so they like you,you wish. When I try to be good. They will push me and treat me like an animal. This is hurtf fact about me.

I just feel today I should tell the world I am not okay atm.

attempting to be a Douyin soon (?)

 as many of you guys know that I am so in love with thick makeup and I adopt many of way of do makeup. I believed I follow Gyaru cute look but always ended up looking like I am mixed. 

many of uni friends told me I am not Kawaii when I posted a video of me attemting the Japanese signature makeup of Gyaru, they told me I have non-asian facial figure. shit.. WHAT ABOUT MY EYES? IT FUCKING HOODED SO WHENEVER I PUT EYELINER AND OPEN THE EYES, IT IS NORMAL FOR ME IF THE LIDS OR EYE LINE DISAPPEAR OR FOLDED BY MY OWN EYELIDS. 

now I am already a MUA as my freelance job, my phone even related only to makeup or nailart (I do nails also) , but not a big surprise when I am looking at how gyaru girls making the look of innocent looking with pastel colors. I know I am an Asian with Autumn Season which match pink so bad, BUT I LOVE PURPLE MORE. so I make this blog pink, and hoping one day going to have my signature color to be purle. as you know I have my bedcover and lot of daily stuffs in purple colors! but it means, for years I have using wrong color,but because I love the color, so I put it on everything.

anyway, I purple you ya... 

Today I have chance for having a pair of colored contact lenses which people on Tiktok believe it is the color for Douyin, to be honest when I saw for the first time douyin makeup and many reels of they do the challange, like recorded of they zpplying makeup while they walk to tranportations or anywhere I don't know.

but ended up like a fairy looking Asian  or the Chinese figures of perfect looking of animated human. but of course never trust what you see online, it's edited and I've seen many unedited Douyin makeup.

remember, skin has textures. so it is just like a thick makeup with mostly reddish looking or drunk makeup, sometime I feel like Asians makeup mostly when it is done, it will giving ivory/ pinkish looking.

I bought color contact lens from Tiktok, it was 500000(Aud 50) for 4 boxes and  colors. but this one is the cutest and I feel like so anime.

the lenses name is Mystic Eyes in color Twilight Wolf Grey. 

well, thank you for seeing me in Douyin looking (I know I haven't fully douyin looking with the makeup) . this is grey when you put it on the darkest brown eyes, but brown when it's un-applied.

I will learn more about douyin. and giving you all updates :)

I dreamed of Bill Kaulitz was my husband and we have a daughter

Before you judge me, this is not a hallucination. It is dream I had and every dream I remember always relate with what I saw before going to sleep.

So, the guy name Bill Kaulitz, the Singer of Tokio hotel. I Like him and his feminine side which I believe if we were in real life we can share the makeup and skincare together. Hehe..

Last videos I watched was Tom and Bill , but later on I slept with my phone I did not care if its locked or not.

What I remember was yesterday I slept and in my dream I was in a king size bed and the blanket colored like leopard fur synthetic but felt soft, this dream is realistic dream I had and I remember.

So..

This blond haired guy came to the room with kimono and I know him. It's Bill Kaulitz and dream is a dream. You cannot control, at least you have power to do that. But what I remember he hold a kid that in my dream says she's my daughter and her age is 3 but very spoiled with her dad.

In the dream I even stand next to him and I know I am only 149cm and he's european which I did not know the height but just googling he's 192. Damn. 

Later the nanny came and took the daughter out of bedroom. I was still standing next to him and he was so tall in my dream. Like i am same height as his nipples area. In that dream i even asked like

"How do we fuck and have a daughter? You tall as hell" then.. he said

"By inserted my cock to you? It's legal because we married " I LAUGH A LOT in the dream.

Then I wokeup like spontaneous and see the clock it's  2 in afternoon already.. 

WHAT THE DREAM. This dream was the funniest and realistic dream I had in my life.

While I write this his answer haunting me and make me laugh a lot. Omg..

Bill,if you read this because you randomly see this entry. Thank you for read something weird as my dream. I blame the Tiktok because I watched you there so I dreamed weird dream as this hahahaha...

Dear Rick..

Recently I decided to block Rick from my Instagram and also his GF. You might think I am unstable. I think 70% yes and 30% I need to block him.

I don't know what kinda misunderstood we are but I feel something is really really makes me want to away from him. I am very disappointed and hid it for many many years. 

First of all,

I was the one who silent treatment him and he sent me a VN I couldn't reply. That time my heart ache of what he did. By lying to me and it wouldn't be that bad if he honest from the start about he spoke to another Indonesian girls. So in that time I am gonna be secure and of course I will make myself not fall in love to him before he said something like all youngers want to hear

"Will you be my girlfriend?" Thats what supposed he say. But what I found his instagram commented 😍  by another Indonesian girl who I believe she's from central Java. She's a girl who wore very nice religious cloth but she changed for the thing I know, she moved to Bali because her mother marry an Australian man. Also while I saw her instagram and feel like..

She changed to be aesthetically brown skinned style. I mean yes, people changed but what she done more crazy and attention grabbing in some pics.

Let's call this girl Rick hid from me years ago "Becky" if Beyonce said "Becky with a good hair" I call her "Becky with.." but hey, what's good thing about her? I DON'T SEE. I mean I checked her Instagram, I found that she just a girl who tanning a lot. Just call her Becky lah..

Becky and I never spoke and yes, I was the one that got away from Rick and I never want it ended with blocking his instagram like I did yesterday.

So, now Becky dated another foreigner..

Rick date a girl,let's name her "Lily" I don't know her background but from the pics I see.. gosh..

Am I the only one that doesn't like taking pictures in beach, I mean I had many poses but I like taking photos in rooms other than nature. Later on,

I saw Lily's name after it appeared on Rick's phone. In that time I dated someone and my ex knew I will go with Rick for meet up,but..

I live in Southeast Asia, where Caucasian will be the focus,mostly. 

Saw the name and look at her Insta, in same date where Rick told me he came to Indonesia for seeing the concert I don't know and I never have interest to watch concert. Because I am introverted myself and hate crowd with loud sounds. But I am ok to watch cinema because cannot see people in the dark. Only the light from screen and movie played.

Our met up not that good.

Things happened,

I never see his Instagram and I restrict him so I won't have any chance for him to see my new posts and stories. Its like my way to be nice to someone I feel weird.

While I am having my instastories, he appeared everytime he updating his instastory. The red circle in his profile that appear as someone seen me makes me want to know. It's like..

Does he want to take revenge or what? Coz for me.. I forgive him already but please act or do something nice. Do not try to make me feel uncomfortable by the way you making some alert of updates.

He probably will liked my stories or recent post (if it's like days ago post he will absolutely liked it) if he post pics. He will sign and alarm me. Yes, I know you are graduated from number 1 world best university but you acted like 14 for attention. We forgiving eachother but.. we will never together, Lily might going to be your future wife, I always pray for that and wish you best.

I never wish but I know he wants my attention, from the way he always showed up in my instastory if he updating something. I mean, a friend told me restrict will work and make him almost impossible to see my instastories or posts appear on his screen or notification except if he search my profile. CMIIW.

So, last night I decided to block him and Lilly. Even she never see me as what Rick wanted, stupid idea from a guy who graduated his master in best university.

Then how to deal with if Rick knows one day I block his Instagram?

Of course, if he contacted me I will telling him I am always feeling uncomfortable with him after meet up and another invitation to go with Lilly. Shit.

You think I will? Nah.. once the professor named Gwen Stefani says "uh oh.. eat my shit" . That the best words for them.

You just jealous thats why you block him!

If you say so, yes. Satisfied? First of all.. if I am jealous of his happiness with Lilly, I never did. Trust me, when I saw that he brings her to many countries, I am ok with that but one thing I never forget is,where I say .. I love Thailand, I will be there one day to meet my friend,Guang, to Rick. I FEEL LIKE... YOU TRY TO MAKE ME MAD AND JEALOUS BECAUSE I TOLD YOU THAT? Damn,Rick.. I understand your way of revenge. You didn't really amicably peace with what happened.. 

I know Rick will read it,because I know he will. Sorry, I block you. 

I been bear hurtful thing from what happened, even when I had my boyfriend with me you kept chat me and when you were in vacation with Lilly to an Island I forgot the name. You even texted me with many words towards to you feel not excited with Lilly at first,because..

You did not open your phone during you walk with me. Except for maps. You even decline the text from Lilly that time. While I was updating what I did to my (ex) boyfriend. Coz he wanted me to be safe. 

For all things happened to us in past, I am sorry if I were so childish. I just an early 20 year old girl. And I used to be angry for reason in past.

Finally, if you need a help from me. I might never gonna show up in your world, and I am hoping you will found best girl/wife you wanted. Also..

Did you make this Korean girl follow my account (saw she follows you,lilly and your mom)? No you don't need to answer by try to contact me. But well, she's still my follower. If she's part of your life and she will say something.

Okay lah.. time for making another useful entry. Story end. Thank you for being part of my life and taught me,not all smart people have smart decisions. If you keep trying to contact me, I will take all your stories up, and I hold all your secrets~