hey kid(s) this is your ibu..

if you have hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia please do not come here, this is a phrase for someone that has trauma for long words/sentences. who found this name? what a fucking relate to me. my brain capacity destroyed and I don't know how to read the phobia's pronouce tbh. I was thinking maybe this is afraid of hippos but I was wrong.  well let's to the topic.. 

 I never tell people I am having trauma in some things, many fears I own but never mention it. 

today I will telling you top 3 things I wish I never see,hear or touch. well, if you one of someone that hating me. read it fully! because I know if someone hating someone, they going to mind unrational things like.. they going to find how to make you uncomfortable. l.

well, I feed your satisfaction, Hater(s) for telling you these 3 things I afraid of. before I explaining the fears I have, I want to tell you that I thought I was the only one that having afraid with these 3 things but..

there's plenty people having the same fears and name them. like Thalassophobia means you have fear of deep ocean and the brain of people with Thalassophobia gonna started to make kinda hallucinate and thinking there's monsters in the deep of the ocean. so I been find of what my phobias name..

but I am sorry, I can't show you the pictures, because maybe one day I bored and re-read what I've write on my blog then see things I hate, I will started to thinking about it like all of the day.

Hemophobia

I don't know where it's started but when I was a kid, I remember I injured my fingers with cutter, yes, the moment happened when I was so young, I bleed a lot when my finger sliced and blood came out. but maybe this is one of my parents' way to make me stop playing with cutter. and I started to be afraid of blood. plus, in that era.. I think in 2001-2002, no blur for blood and I believed the cringe and low budget of SFX makeup were real but when I grow up with the Hemophobia, I started to be afraid of blood and anything I watch in a series of punishments, I forgot the name but this series were aired with fake blood things. but I found this is weird to be honest, during me growing up...

I had my first period at my Uncle's house, to be honest that time I feel something bad under my navel area, like I was walking and the uterus area started to feel so hurt inside, but in next day. when I see my toilet paper, I was shook and cried (maybe, because I have bad memory).. 

I saw little drop blood on my paper towel when I need to wipe my ass. in that day I felt I need to covering it,then my mind was stupid I put lot of toilet paper inside of my underwear, oh gosh... stupid me. since that time I won't be affraid to my own blood and I am ok if I found myself on period or maybe the heat too hot and I started to have nosebleed, I am not afraid anymore. 

but, if I see someone bleeding or injured till blood come out, I will actually run and never want to help, I am sorry for this commitment, because I am so afraid of people's blood. I'm used to see doctors took my blood for tests, like days ago I am ok with blood taken for checking what really happened to me. the vein  around my arm was injected and blood taken. 

so please, do not blame me if I couldn't help people's dying on street after an accident. also, if I been told like that is fake blood, I won't feel that scary because I kinda watch some of movies with gore. but after told it just fake blood and only showed on screen of TV or Phone, I am still scare but not as scared as if I see in real life. 

Rambutanphobia

I don't know if this is what it's called. but my relation to rambutan started from childhood phobia later on my brain thinking THIS IS ONLY FUVKIN RAMBUTANS!!!! but later on, I just feel unconfortable and my puberity mind making me thinking the spoiled rambutans will looking like a black and reminds me of ballsack with pubic hair. I know, I know.. you will say I am dirty minded, OF COURSE... 

hehehe... but yea, Rambutan is one of fruits I don't like. okay then.. it's not an interested story. but who else thinking rambutans do look like men's balls with hairy but ARGHHH.. I feel uncomfortable. bye.

ah... okay maybe only those two. another phobias I won't tell, because I worry someone who doesn't like me play with that because it's out of the topic, I worry if I walk alone down the street and a pervert come and open his cloth to show the dick.. oops.. okay lah, enough, I am afraid too with someone who does exhibition shits. bye... this is the real bye for 2023!!!!!!

December dump stories!!!!! FUCK 2023.

 Been hospitalized for days after such a weird problem of dehydrations, you might guessing how I get dehydration problem. maybe almost 3 weeks, I felt I want to puke and vomiting. I don't even understand why I get that disease, for the bloodtesting, I am having negative of salmonella and typhus. 

days in hospital kinda made me feel so bored! why??? NO ONE ACCOMPANY ME, EXCEPT MY COUSIN I asked to come every noon, because I don't want to annoy her morning. huft!

now I am better and decide to blog, I really want to change my blogskin to be better but you know, I am always curious to handle something because only me that having nice vibes who show people I am having blogskin that making me look like an unstable teenager. but I have reason to did change a bit in future..

I want my kawaii style written on my blogskin. I have many of Kawaii blogskin I've seen, mostly are pink and flowerry. with let's say.. better quality of header but I really need to change the background with blings I have from sequin fabric I own. I hope it going better with bling sequin color as background or is it too much and I might gonna change it!   

anyway, 2023 almost done. and I still can't hold promise for being a stable for blogging, I mean some shits happened. plenty things happened. the broke up,bankrupt and many more hurted me already, now the time for me to raise and shineeeee...

everytime I read "raise and shine" I will immediately remember how Kylie sang for Stormi. 

well.. I think it's little bit of why I hate 2023 December. but I still going to blogging again soon. such a weird post but I just randomly write this to balance my mood. because at the moment I feel so fucking bored and trying things to raise my mood!!!!

Can Facebook shut up and not telling me the old memories? + Bad met up I wish I never had.

 for some reasons, I really want my red hair become light brown and I want everyone loves my hair, since I am breaking it start of 2023. I was crying and can't stop using hair extensions. was a bad memory to remember how my hair become broken and GOSH!!!!

sometimes I really want to forget the past but why Facebook did me like... come on! not all people can and admit it was them in the past. and I always afraid of my stupid writings there. also, if I could back to that time, I was just a 12 year old kid with huge interest to have facebook just because it has GAMES IN IT!!!

2010 me,fake my age just for playing the fish tank stuffs that I forgot what's the game name, I tried to search and it says the game name was Happy Aquarium, it was just fun to get more games after that. like I pretty loved this game, later on there was Ninja Saga which I play just because it has like characters of Naruto. used to be so obsessed with Facebook's games. also the one I loved was Mall World and if I am not wrong there was a game name Stardoll. I like games like virtual simulation. 

I have lot of happy things I remember in that era but I was just a girl who started her journey of life and yes, I admit that I love attention but people seem so careless or just hate the way I am writing those, my mind was so free but now I need to handle most of the freedom for writing or I will ended up with regret with what happened. like, every morning after some rituals to keep my self beauty and always be fresh, LOL. tbh.. first thing I do is always checking my phone because I have a little problem with my morning. well, let's be honest. I've been suffering morning anxiety, which I handle with finding myself a routine..

you guys don't need to worry, I went to Psychologist for it and she just telling me that I am struggling with past trauma that cause me a nightmare every morning. yes, Like I said.. I wish I forget everything I've been thru during my childhood. as a person,I always forgive whoever hurts my soul, I always bring them to every pray if I couldn't stop thinking about the past is haunting me. 

forgiving is an easy to do but forget it, it is not. well.. not all my memories are bad, most of them are but I fight that. 

umm... why all of sudden my mind remind me of what in the past happened, when I met my friend from USA? hmm..

will it become an amazing story? this story will full of hatred and confusion, are you ready to listen to my story? 

hmm...

so... back in the end of 2022, when I started to finding a new job and I got a message from a guy I chat with in 2018, American Nationality and Unknown racial background because he told me he was adopted from I think from border Asia-Europe border country. and I thought he's like a same age as me but he explained he's 25 or so? to be honest, I am more remember the first time I thought I was pregnant other this guy. but to avoid demand or something bad happen in future, let's name him Aaron, oops, DON'T this name sounds cute, hmmm...

what about Rick? I know he reads my blog,still.because I know this guy is too smart in schools' lessons but HE CAN NOT PLAY WITH A GEMINI AS ME. hahaha... 

now I am imagining, during this situation and he reads my blog, he started to yelled

"MY NAME'S NOT RICK!!!!" 

okay me and Rick met in a dating app which he used the premium one, where in the same day I made an account and people there mostly old guys who finding something like serious relationship, I was 20 yooo.. so, my journey for being serious was still long.

Rick and I had like less than 6 months closeness and I found out HE LIED and I couldn't forgive him because I knew I wasn't his ONLY INDONESIAN GIRL like he said. but an emoji burnt me and disappointed me, will you be ok if you see your crush,let's say, have a love eyes emoji from a girl?

the way I mad was so crazy, I did as always if I get disappointed, silent treatment is my key. 

later on, he felt guilty, beg for sorry and that time I more focusing myself for my university, I am still young! I hold that and I didn't worry about serious relationship. and that betrayal brought me to the situation called "it's okay to be single,other than having an affair with a liar" I never know after that. but I am a girl..

I felt guilty also for not giving me any single reply for months, but I met new people that make me feel I AM STILL YOUNG. and I contacted Rick to say sorry. and yes, we sorry each other but I don't want to be like a friend for him because I am someone that easily feeling pity sometimes. fuck this behaviour. sometimes I am confuse of this feeling where I will fall in same hole.

Rick and I had an intense message when I was looking for a job and he helped me to remake my resume, hehe..

but a news he said he will visit my town after he visited several towns, I mean for an American it is easy and cheap to wherever he wants to go also, I see that he has like lucky for the jobs because he's a genious, let's say a superior person. I knew he came not for me but I never care about that because during that situation I have someone who supported me so much and he helped me out from this trapped soul I have. well, Rick told me he will come in 12 of December and I said I can't in several date to meet him because I also have like church things to do. well, not so religious but... that time as a Christian I was busy. 

and the day we met,  I was just see a guy like 10cm taller than me and he started to have big belly but skinny body, I don't want to judge him, but.. for who I know this guy is an active person who biking a lot with many tricks maybe he can somersault with his bike. tbh, I remember Fabio Quartararo Fell from bike, but Fabio cute! Rick? um.. where's toilet please? you call me rude? well.. let's read more so you will know, who Rick is.

people change, that's what they say, same as Rick, all I know he has a very talkative way and used to be very nice, but in the day I met him once in the train station. Jesus, I saw a face of confusion and tacky, was thinking "is he think I dressed weird?" my mind say so,because I fully covered my body with big hoody and long jeans. but I hate every topic he told me because before he came he already reads all, and all he questioned to me was like..

bruh? you went to xxxxxxx and of course you have superior mind, please don't ask anything that will ruin my artsy brain. 

so we went to Asia-Africa Museum, I never wanted to be there, not because I hate histories but.. I just hate crowd, lot of students there and I was there just stare stuffs because I didn't feel good but to show how good Indonesians are, we sometimes fake it to make foreigners happy. I pretend to be happy, also I told him can't home at night because I am afraid of darkness, I mean fully dark. most of Geminis hate dark. if you don't believe, ask your Gemini Friends.

we watched like how white people colonialized the Asian-Africa people, in the end I don't know how to answer his question, appearently he's a white guy but he asked me

"what do you think about what happened in Asia and Africa was colonialism by white people?" dude,you're white :( how to explain, I will be racist if I answer even I say I hate one of them, it called racist. so I just say I don't know.

instead of answering his provocative questions, I'd rather to change the topic,

one of Rick's questions is toward to Soekarno and how I feel about Soekarno era, I hold my laugh because I started to thinking THANK GOD, YOU SEPARATE US SOONER , MY LIFE SHOULDN'T BE THIS FREAK WITH WEIRD TOPICS.

I mean, does he think I was 100 years? I wasn't even born that time. is he running out of the topics? or what kinda alien is he? 

in artsy way, I am explaining another thought, because I knew one of Soekarno's wife has high artsy lifestyle .

walked to the art street called Braga Street, we talked a bit I found some situation that making me feel not good to met him. I always telling him I have a big interest with the fish in the pond and we met again in another day behind Isola's tower. and I was there with a very covered clothes and tomboy way, because first of all we gonna go to Tangkuban Perahu, the Volcano and it very very cold there during mist spreading and make our eyes can't see clearly

"we only can be there less than 2 hours, my mom told me the sulfur can destroy your lungs,but for local their lungs kinda work with situation cause been there like for long time" he said ok we went there only less than 2 hours and I didn't took any single pics of the volcano because I can be there again whenever I want (not when it's erruption ofc). 

we went back and I am the typical of I quite but I am counting, because we rent the driver and I asked like $5 higher for him and I only pay $10, the cost of renting the driver was 25 and I remember he wanted to go to Floating market. which I know it cost 5, so well I paid 5 for him, so it means a genious split bill. he kinda think I tricked him but I AM LIVING IN BANDUNG SO I KNOW WHERE WE GONNA STEP AND HOW IT COST.

plenty of things I thank to my God,to separate me with Rick. because Rick has weird behaviour called "freak" and I can't stand him at all when he strongly open the app like an uber to put us to the hotel, for me maybe because I've seen so many art like this hotel, so for me what I was thinking was how to carve, how to mold or do this and that statues. because it's unique with Greek way of sculpture. 

if you want to know, people which work in art not that so care to another artist, like what the meaning or anything, most of my friends in art and design uni, did art for their way to kill the time or maybe just want to make their art better day by day, some of them like my friends who create statues, they increase the skill after that? they will put the clay back to the strorage. there's lot of people creating art without deep meaning.

while my hands moving and my eyes looking at those hanging sculpture of statues, because my mind command me to move the hands like I must know how to create it,temperature to burn the clay to be that good. or is it create by the creator by hanging the wires or HOW??!!!

Rick interrupted my mind by asking the meaning when I was imagining to create, I mean, why you ruin my imagination, ofc I am not understand the meaning, most of the art made for aesthetic only and no deep meaning. hmmm... THANK GOD.

That day I pretend to be happy to guide him with all his weird behaviour, I texted my friend, I know I will sound rude to tell y'all what I said to my friend, I said I want to escape and never want to meet him again in my life. this is going to be a goodbye. single high five at the apartment he was in and he said

"see you later" to be honest in my mind, I WON'T SEE YOU AGAIN. I back to home by uber car because it was raining,I said tell me if something happened. and I didn't even see him, I can see him from corner of my eye. I am sorry Rick. 

before, Rick gave me a plastic bag of pasta and a paper, in my university, I Learned psychology of education. which tell the fact the more ugly the handwrite is the more intelegent the person too. I thought I have ugliest handwrite because at age 10 my teacher kept telling me to write tidy and stop drawing on the books. LOL.

DAYS LATER HE MENTIONED A NAME OF THE OWNER OF INSTAGRAM OF THE GIRL I JEALOUS ABOUT BACK IN 2018, AND REASON WHY I LEFT HIM. I started to thinking like, why he did it to me? does he know I was hurted? does he know that time I was crying because I thought I found someone that told me I am the one?

what is in his mind? okay, if that what you want. I just be quite again and never mentioned anything, I am happy if he happy with Indonesia, later because I rarely post anything like, what I eat, the places I went to or even clients of my makeup or nails. it was only me, because I think I am in love with myself. no lah, kidding. 

he doesn't stop, whenever I check who the people that check my stories because I am not one of people who likes to check their own story viewers. when I see him there. of course I will check him back and now I know his scheme that making me feeling THANK GOD I FOUND A GOOD IN GOODBYE. 

because I started to think this guy made all things up and tried to make me remember everything, I was thinking he might took revenge and camuflage behind "want to meet me" as his weapon to see and know me more by talking with me more. revenge can do anything, maybe I mentally hurt him or maybe he was hurted too that time. I thinking was I the immature one but why he blow up everything. since that time I worry about him and everytime he be there like sign me to see his story, I won't see at all. but ended up with him liked the story or maybe my post.

he acted weird when he tried to show me all he have, but in that time I have a crush too and I told everything to my crush what happened. he said "don't pay any attention". BUT I AM CURIOUS HAHAHAH...

Once when I see that he liked one of the post, I saw that he celebrate friendship day and post with he said his friends and exclude me, ok. I am not his friend. then later on he posted a view of a girl and I see and also I know her name, I saw his phone notification, the name showed up. FYI, I private my Instagram. I think this guy won't be stop till I give him a single reply coz I never mentioned anything to him after the meet up. also he has a GF (this is not the girl in 2018) . so why should I care? 

he kept posting things which showing how romantic his life and he new GF, while I am here full of confusion. I took an action to not really care.

but Rick is became weird, he said plenty time he wants to visit my town again and I say, go on. I mean I can't accompany him during the situation here I am having things to do, I don't know many times he mentioned me and all I did just say ok, yea or sorry I can't go with you, I'm busy with work. 

this guy has been weird and I don't want to meet him again, even if one day I got a wedding invitation of both of them I won't go,because one thing I told him before when we were in uber on the way to his apartment.

"I learn Thai, because I really love the vibes and hown people can be what they want there, the only place me and my special one one day to have maybe honeymoon or just be together there, also I have Thai bestfriend" 

you know what he did? HE TOOK HIS GF TO THAILAND AND HE POSTED LIKE TONS OF PICTURES NOT LIKE USUALLY,USUALLY HE POSTED THE STORY LIKE 5 MAYBE BUT IN THAILAND ITS MORE THAB 20 AND I DIDN'T SEE MORE, the more I see that the more I want to puke because I can clearly see how he mock me there,LOL. and I just can smile and as a Gemini seeing the guy who tried to destroy my wish.

as I said in my mind when the last time I saw him, I say. I will never meet you again. seems like Rick very stubborn and asking me things about my town and of course I will answer but for meet up again? so sorry Rick.

To Rick,

let's forget our old memories in 2018, I didn't know how my silent hurt your feeling or how, we've say sorry each other and we got no chance to repair the breaking glass. we won't be together, I am happy with everything we had and I hope that's enough for you. I know I still stubborn and might never see you again, because our destiny isn't same. when you read it, you will understand how I confuse about you. you didn't tag me as a friend is enough to tell how you have afraid or maybe you did that because you want revenge. who knows?

Hi Rick, I am here happy for you and what happened in 2018, let it go, release yourself hatred and disappointment, I quite that time because I hurted so bad, when I fell in love I found something is wrong with someone I admire. no matter how you write down your feeling on facebook or social media, I will never be your old DJ.

we can connect online, but you will never see me again. as what I promise to my heart :)

hello from Indonesia, if you already back to your house in the U.S which  I don't know the state name or even the town,remember we have story that we might never forget but let it be our history. I am sorry if this going to hurt you more but trust me, in our goodbye, there's a good. for me, I focused my uni better and for you, you focus your job overthere, I hope you and your GF will be forever, no obstacle and sharing positive vibes :)