blogging is an addiction and it makes me want to blog again and again and today I have story I WANT TO SHARE.
such an asshole,
why? today I discuss with mom and she started to say things I hate, she controls me all of the time and makes me so angry.
after my dad's passed away,months ago, she became so strange and I dunno who's wrong in it. she became so stubborn and think all she does gonna be best. no, I don't hate her. I just hate her behavior.
she started to asking me a question about marriage. the thing I still avoid because I'm not ready yet and hey gurl, Just wanna have fun... (in a good way).
marriage is sacred.
it happen once in a life. so she thinks it's easy to married to somebody.. somehow she thinks it's good age for me to getting married, there's still plenty things I think in my mind. let's sharing about what I worry about..
I am not ready to share my bed with anyone else
yes, I have a huge bed that I own myself. and can you imagine how it feels when you're not ready yet and you force yourself to marry someone just because a pressure from your family. would be strange enough. MARRYING SOMEBODY IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN'T PRETEND TO BE. so, I'm not ready to share my bed with stranger. if I would, in first morning I'll slap the face of my husband that I don't love.
Not ready to own kid(s)
I'm predicated as a good auntie for my nieces and nephews. but I'm not ready for my own. everytime I have discussions with my bestfriend Sandy, I told her I wanna adopt kids one day if I were rich from every country or continent. school them and make them to have mindset to helping and educate people so they gonna be best teachers for poor people (this is my dream for future). but doesn't mean I wouldn't have biological kid, I would like to have one when I am ready.
plus being a mother is a tough. for me now,not interested to have one. because it's like my mind declining plus plenty of concerning in my mind.
don't want to inherit my ugly figure to my kid(s)
back when I was a kid, I felt grateful to have best cute face, but when I'm old and realizing beauty standards, I know I'm ugly between my friends. no, I don't hate my Asian roots but I want foreign husband to complete the best look. I'm okay to have Blasian,Wasian,or Marrying whoever that came from other country (foreign). if you say I'm a racist because I don't want to marry Indonesian, THEN YOU CAN TELL THE SAME TO PEOPLE PRACTICING BIRACIAL MARRIAGES. I have my reason why, my past wasn't good enough with my Indonesian ex, his family include and yes it's a culture in Indonesia family include and so KEPO with their son's gf. they treated me bad. so, it marks me trauma a lot. back to ugly figure I said, why I HATE IT? I just don't like how my eyes look and remember in the other entry I said I tricked my eyelids with tape? yes. I don't wan't inherit my eyes to my kid. it's personal problem in me.
Every guy I want to marry, always be disgusting in the end.
wtf, recently I checked my phone because I received a message from a guy and thinks I'm a ladyboy. what the hell he thinking about, I'm a girl and I'm on period atm. whatever you want to say that I am disgusting to say this, but in the end I just want to say this is. boys I want to be marry with always ended up with disgusting story, cheated, kepo family, trust issues, and the last.. some guys think I'm a lady boy because I have boyish face figure and could be reason why I wear tons of makeup and starting to edit my face. never believe with what you see on internet anyway. Go to my Instagram and see I have tons of photoshopped pics. photoshop is a good talent I learned other than nail arting.
fair enough,
I am not ready to getting married soon. I'm still having vulnerable side. these is...
I easily cry
I know building a family isn't easy as what you think and see in movies, they exaggerate things for entertainment. then, whats really happened? yep, I've seen my mom and dad struggle a lot about marriage problems and they more lot to show me bad past about family. yes, I am not born from best family but they're better. I have childhood trauma that makes me think marriage is something we should think a lot before doing it. everytime I think about marriage in my mind was I wouldn't passed it all. what if I had argue with my spouse? and all I could do just cry. I'm not somebody that can solve problems like easy. still overthinking and very very vulnerable.
okay lah,
that are.. I might blog about it randomly for reasons, one of it is, I want to clarify I won't getting married soon. I need more time and still want to be happy.
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